He Might be Cuter Than His Pictures.

Great Personality Guy: Picture-wise, not too promising. But he might be cuter in person. I thought I'd give him a shot because:

1. that's the point of this whole dating thing - meeting people I wouldn't normally meet or go out with;
   
2. from his online profile, he seemed to have a great personality; and
   
3. his emails and IMs were very funny - make me laugh out loud funny - and I'm a sucker for a good sense of humor.
   

He was NOT cuter than his pictures. Less cute, in fact. And quite a bit chubbier. But I tried to keep an open mind. There was that great personality and sense of humor. Except...in person, there wasn't.

We sat down - after an awkward discussion where he asked me if I wanted to get a drink. Um, yeah. Isn't that why you go to a bar? I ordered a Harp. He ordered a Michelob Ultra. Who orders a Michelob Ultra at an Irish Pub? Or anywhere, really? And as if it wasn't bad enough that he ordered the Michelob Ultra, he was clearly embarrassed to be ordering it - he ducked his head down and away from me and practically whispered his drink order to the waiter. If you're going to order that beer, at least do it with confidence. Also, don't you think I'm going to notice what you're drinking when it gets to the table? In the Michelob Ultra bottle?

I'm not sure how there was such a huge disconnect between the guy who emailed me and the guy I was sitting at the table with. This guy was boring. And not funny.

Some of the conversational highlights of the evening:

• Within the first five minutes of sitting there, he told me about the times he has been to see a lawyer. First for his divorce. (Always a great first date conversational topic.) Then for a wrongful termination lawsuit. About which he apparently signed a confidentiality agreement as part of the settlement. He seemed to think it was okay to breach the confidentiality agreement and tell me about it because I am a lawyer. Although I am a lawyer, I'm not your lawyer. And we're on a first date.
• While we were discussing football, he randomly started talking about a basketball player. When I said I didn't know anything about the basketball player, because I don't like basketball and don't watch it, he asked me repeatedly if I watch basketball. Seriously. He just kept naming basketball teams and asking me if I watch that team play. Every time, my response was "no, I don't watch basketball, because I don't like it." To which he would say, "well, what about X team? Would you watch them if they were playing?"
• When I admitted that I know who LeBron James is (in an attempt to move past the basketball loop), he tried to make it sound like he knew LeBron. Which he doesn't. (In addition to the obvious - don't pretend to know a famous person if you don't - at least be prepared for a follow-up question once you make this claim).
• After badgering me to tell him my "most embarrassing story" (really?!) he proceeded to tell me a long and involved story that ended with some dude offering to give him a blow job. And how embarrassing that was for him. Because he's not gay. I fail to see how that was embarrassing for him, it seems to me that it would have been embarrassing for the other guy. When I pointed that out to him, he said, "well, if you knew my friends, you'd understand why it was embarrassing for me." Oh. Good story then, if I knew your friends. Which I don't. And right now I'm kind of wishing I didn't know you either.
• He told me a story about how he got in a fight (which - after hearing the story - is a liberal description of what happened, I think). One night at a bar, his drunk friend said, "hey, let's go outside." When he - not drunk - went outside, his friend proceeded to punch him in the face. Five times. Then knock him over and punch him some more. (Also - this is apparently NOT his most embarrassing story - I think it maybe should be). I just kept wondering why, after the first or second punch to the face, he didn't move out of the way. I've never been in a fight, but it seems to me that if you're not drunk, and a drunk guy is punching you in the face, it can't be that difficult to not just stand there and get punched in the face. Five times.

I couldn't get out of there fast enough. I was barely halfway through my beer when the waiter came around to ask if we wanted anything else. He hadn't finished asking his question when I started shaking my head "no." (Subtle, I know).

I was out of there in under an hour.

Chalk it up to practicing. Or "kissing a lot of frogs." Although let's be clear here: there was NO kissing.