My Commitment Issues Rear Their Ugly Heads on the First Date.

So we’re about 20 minutes in, and the conversation turns to online dating. (There’s a natural curiosity and desire for comparison of experience amongst the online daters.). He asks me why I am using the dating site we met through, and not eDiscord. I launch into a two-fold explanation:

The first part is about how the guy who started eDiscord is a bible thumping homophobe. He doesn’t believe in the gays, and won’t match them up. Not through his site. He won’t validate their godless, blasphemous, sick, hedonistic, unnatural lifestyle choice by helping them pair up. So, you know. In solidarity with the gays, I refuse to participate. (Then I step off my soapbox, sit back down at the table with him, and take a sip of my beer.).

The second reason is articulated in yesterday's post. When I attempt to explain the second reason on my date, however, it comes out slightly different, and not quite right. It comes out more like this: “because eDiscord is for people who want to get married.”

Like I don’t want to get married.

Hmmm. No, wait. That’s not what I meant.

I do.

And so I said, much too quickly: “I mean, I want to get married. Just not right now. I mean, that’s not what I’m looking for. I mean, I am…um. I guess I mean I’m not looking for a husband?” (I actually ended this last sentence as a question. Or at least my voice got kind of high and a little squeaky before I just trailed off.)

And while I’m saying this, I’m suddenly feeling like I sound totally insane. Or like I’m looking for a one-night stand. Or like I’m not interested in any sort of serious commitment or relationship. And yet, I can’t seem to form any words or coherent sentences that will get me out of this verbal hole I’ve been furiously digging. My brain won’t cooperate and let me say something that makes me sound like any sort of reasonably well-adjusted, age-appropriate, emotionally healthy, woman who would like to be in a relationship that at some point will lead to marriage. It would probably be better if I just didn’t talk anymore at this point.

Except then there’s just an awkward, uncomfortable silence. Awesome.