Seriously?

Police Officer Guy: I have an email from Police Officer Guy. Who I have never had any contact with before. Apparently, this is his idea of wooing me:

hey whats up? id really like to talk to u more and im a big texter so im hoping u get this and will text me ###-###-####

Wow. I’m weak-kneed. I click through to look at his profile.

He’s “having the hardest time finding the right girl”. But here’s what he’d like in a woman:

A- you are looking for a good guy that you will not take advantage

Well, we’re not off to a great start here, Police Officer Guy. I’d much prefer a really crappy guy who I can use as much as possible.

B- you will be yourself and not act fake

Strike two. I have this whole character I’ve developed for my dating life. I put on a curly red wig and speak with a thick Southern accent.

C- you want to have a serious relationship

Okay. Now this could be an actual, legitimate requirement. Except he’s 22. What 22-year-old guy wants to have a serious relationship?

D- have no baggage or drama lol

Um, is the “lol” because he actually wants a woman with baggage or drama? Is he just kidding? Now this is important, because I have a lot of baggage, and drama follows me around like a rabid dog. (Also, what does this guy have against theater? I can’t act fake, I can’t be dramatic…was he traumatized at a young age by a rogue band of actors? Did they “Shakespeare” his ass?)

E- and it helps if your cute :)

Wait, it helps if my cute…smiles? You want my cute to smile? I guess I could ask my cute to give it a shot, but honestly, I’m not quite sure what you’re looking for here, Police Officer Guy.


Maybe I should text him. He would really like to talk to me more.