The Zen of Online Dating.

The importance of being in the right state of mind before looking through online profiles cannot be overstated. Because there are so many profiles and so much information out there. It can easily overwhelm the unprepared. I have found, after countless hours perusing dating sites that being in the wrong state of mind can lead to:

(1) Much lower standards. The more guys I look at online, the lower my standards get, just by function of the sheer number of truly atrocious profiles out there. After I wade through dozens of crap-tastic guys, I find myself seriously considering men that I would otherwise never look at twice. And not for really great reasons. Ooh. He used full sentences. And he can either spell or knows how to use spell check. Oooh. He put together a somewhat reasonably intelligent description of his hobbies and interests. These men are getting more consideration from me than they deserve only because they look good by comparison.

(2) Unreasonably high standards. Men who may be perfectly nice, interesting, and funny, who have intriguing profiles that they have put a lot of time and effort into can get swept into the pile of crap when I’m in the wrong mindset. This is the opposite of problem #1. In this case, after looking through so many awful profiles, I become unreasonably irritated with all of the profiles I look at. If I’m in this mindset, there is no profile that I would find attractive, interesting, or believable.

(3) Sending ridiculous emails. There is unbelievable pressure to be witty. But not snarky. To be charming, flirty, and authentic – but not boring or cliché. All in the inflectionless, easily misinterpreted, realm of email. The dating sites “helpfully” suggest that I pick something specific from a man’s profile and indicate interest by starting a conversation about it. Which, in the wrong state of mind, can lead to emails that say: “I see you like movies. I like movies too.” And, well, who wouldn’t be swept off their feet by that stellar conversation starter?

The flip side of this is when I am in an entirely different wrong state of mind – I’m tired of selling myself. This leads to ridiculous emails of a different sort: “I like things and doing stuff. Generally, I enjoy doing stuff that involves things.” (I got no response from that guy. I can’t imagine why.)

In order to maintain the proper state of mind, I hereby resolve to: (a) give myself a pep talk before I start looking; (b) reiterate to myself what it is I’m looking for AND remind myself to keep an open mind; (c) remember that dating requires me to sell myself to strangers; and (d) avoid becoming intoxicated before I start.*


*Because obviously, becoming intoxicated almost automatically leads to one of the three problems listed above (mostly number 3). Although it has the added bonus of causing me to falsely believe that I’m in the right mindset at the time.