Ex Friends.

Any time you date a guy for a relatively lengthy period of time, you meet his friends. (You know, unless you are not his girlfriend). And you hang out with his friends. Some of those friends you put up with – like Gets Too Drunk at Every Social Event Guy or Good Buddy’s Pretentious (Kind of Bitchy) Wife. Those are the friends you put up with because (a) they’re his friends, and (b) you don’t have to see them that often. Then there are his friends who you really like. The ones you genuinely enjoy hanging out with. The ones you suggest getting together with, going out with, inviting over. The ones you wouldn’t mind hanging out with whether or not your boyfriend is there.

So when there’s a break-up, it’s generally understood that he keeps his friends, and you keep yours. It’s part of the break-up rules. And for most of his friends, it’s no great loss to you. Because you were just putting up with them anyway.

But what about when you were together for a long time, and you knew all his friends pretty well? Even the ones you were just putting up with are people you’ve gotten to know, spent a decent amount of time with, and have even grown on you a little bit. They’ve become part of your extended social circle. Sure, they’re the ones that you don’t mind not seeing anymore, but you’re still friendly with them when you run into them now and then. The real problem is the ones you actually like.

Can you still be friends with them?

I was with my ex for nearly nine years. We didn’t have a bad break-up, and we’re still friends. When we broke up, he moved out of town, and most of his friends still live in my town. And there’s one of them that I genuinely like – Avid Sports Fan Guy. I want to be his friend. I enjoy hanging out with him. (To be clear, I don’t want to date him – that’s an entirely different scenario). But I feel unsure about the whole thing. I’m never sure if we’re actually friends, or if I’m the weird ex-girlfriend of his friend who he hangs out with to be polite but secretly wonders why I keep calling him.

So we hang out – and it’s comfortable – but occasionally things get a little awkward. For example: friends normally ask about each others’ love lives. Is it weird for him to ask about who I’m dating because he’s friends with my ex? Is it weird for me to talk about who I’m dating because he’s friends with my ex? Are we supposed to talk about my ex (“have you talked to him lately/what’s going on with him”)? When someone asks how we know each other, do I say, “he was friends with my ex?”

I guess the bottom line is, I never really know if we’re friends or not. If I can claim him as my friend.